The United States peaked in the 1990s

With all the recent controversies, I have become nostalgic for the simpler times.

The 1990s were a time of extreme technological, cultural and economic growth, so why did we ever leave? We are all just bumbling around in 2018, trying to figure out how to solve crises, when we could be watching Jurassic Park in theaters for the 70th time.

Think about it. Everyone loved the 90s. I loved the 90s, and I was only in them for a year.

With the collapse of the Soviet Union on December 25, 1991, it is practically un-American for people to dislike the 90s. No one was whining about how America should be more inclusive or more aware of its consequences, and no one questioned whether America was right in its actions. It was everything a true patriot could ask for. 

Speaking of un-American, North Korea was too busy dealing with massive famine to invest in a nuclear program capable of reaching U.S. soil. Sure, they could still hit Japan and South Korea, but if the capability did not force our hand the first time our country lived through it, it definitely will not bother us the second time. Similarly, China was just starting their switch to a freer economic system in the 90s, so we got the benefits of cheap products and credit with none of the geopolitical threat of 2018.

If you are down about the recent revelation that 87 million people’s information was ill-gotten through Facebook, do not worry one bit. The internet was still new and innovative in the 90s, so you can sit back and relax. Google, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram were all non-existent, so it was just you and your old pal AOL.

The sweet, sweet sound of a computer connecting to the Internet through a dial-up connection still warms one’s soul. Plus, the lack of cell phones meant everyone always talked face-to-face, just like it is supposed to be. The best part is we can start using wacky lingo again, like “radical,” “tubular” or “I am confident that my private information is secure.” 

In the 90s, President Donald Trump was busy not being the president, and if you are sad Hillary Clinton lost in 2016, you can be somewhat satisfied with Bill Clinton embodying the same economic policies of Hillary, but with objectively twice the charm of his spouse. However, if you do like Trump’s presidency, Bill has got you covered on the “president who has several sexual assault allegations against him” side of things. That is a compromise the whole country can agree on. 

One might ask, “What year in the 90s? All your evidence you have used is dispersed within the decade.” The answer is the nebulous, nostalgic ideal year of the 90s encompassing everything people remember about the decade, without any of the actual specifics. This way we can all enjoy playing with Pogs, and watching "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," but not have to choose anything. Choosing things is what caused us to be in the current predicament, so we should avoid this responsibility at all costs.

In conclusion, let us all agree to stay in the 90s where we belong. 2017 was an obvious divine sign we were not meant to surpass the year 2000, so it is time to head home before the option to leave closes forever. 

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